Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
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Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
another case of gang violins
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.