[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
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the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Friday night party time 🥳
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”