On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
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“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
choose your gary
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂