ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
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not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata