Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
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Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?