Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
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I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Received some very disappointing news today
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
i made a craigslist ad !
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.