Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
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You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
This did not end as expected.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.