my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
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That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple