tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
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Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone