Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
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Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog