Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
You Might Also Like
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife