🤣
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Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Oh deer
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.