[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
You Might Also Like
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit