Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
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Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids