omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
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Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?