Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
You Might Also Like
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Thursday Thought.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Pandas 🐼🖤
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested