TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
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We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.