INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
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Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Meanwhile in Portland…
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough