My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
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Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.