the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
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[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.