Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
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*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
finally found a reasonable question
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.