My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
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*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
What the hell is going on?
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed