Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
You Might Also Like
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag