Smallpox sounds so adorable
You Might Also Like
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
New comic up. “Ransom”
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed