every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
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Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that