Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
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Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)