Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
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(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.