Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
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I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
our love story in four pictures
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.