I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
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My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms