Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
You Might Also Like
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Bruh PLEASE
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS