It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
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[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
What number SPF blocks people?
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.