[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
You Might Also Like
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Breaking news:
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us