alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
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“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.