Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
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Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day