He loved it so much he walked himself up.
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“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
This guy gets it.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.