my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
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Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Can’t. Being lazy.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.