“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
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If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Jupiter
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project