Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
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him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Living the best life.. 😊
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like