*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
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told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.