“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
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My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO