Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
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Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages