I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
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When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”