Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
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[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
#Caturday
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!