We have a winner.
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You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
*seductively eats two tums*
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.