Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
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Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Perfect.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”