Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
You Might Also Like
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.