*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
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G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING