I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
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*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.