My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
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Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself