I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
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a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.